Today in Wal-Mart I had my first “Hey! There’s Daddy!... oh wait. It’s not.“ moment. It was difficult. I am going to miss that man so much. Tonight mom is spending her first night alone at the farm. I am praying for peace for her. Boy, this whole thing sucks. My heart is so broken. I am scared. What do we do now? How can this even be real? It is so not fair! I was having a conversation with Mark and all of the sudden got that big reality slap in the face and all I could say is “I am not old enough to be having this conversation.”
The really strange thing though, is that I kind of feel like I have lived this all before. Or kind of like I have dreamed it before. It is all very familiar in a way. It makes me wonder if I am trying to make this Pop-Paw’s death again and not dealing with it as my dad’s. Mom said that she has kind of felt for 25 years, since his first heart attack, worried that everyday would be his last. It was like she had lived with the fear of “will today be the day that he dies?” for 25 years. And now she doesn’t have to have that fear anymore.
I was blessed by three phone calls from dear friends today. They all three just called to check on me. I have the most beautiful friends and family. Blessings are all around me. I just have to be still and take them in.
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