OK. I will warn you, this entry contains TOO Much Information. But without it, the story is not near as funny!
The boys and I had spent the last few days at Mom’s and came home today. Well, this morning, I was in the bathroom doing my business when I heard mom come in the front door and yell “Michelle! Come here!”…”Michelle Kay! Come Here!” It was the kind of voice that you would think someone was dead. Really! But since I could hear all three of the boys asking her ”what is it?” I knew they were ok. So, she must have cut her hand off. Why else would she be yelling like that? So I pulled my pants up and went running.
I get to the front door and it is a snake slithering across the front yard. Mom says “do you know how to load a gun?” I said “no!” I have an automatic pistol that you just push the cartridge into, and I knew she was talking about a shot gun! So, I said, you get the gun and I will follow it. So I slipped on her white rubber clogs, which looked fantastic with my boxer shorts and tank top that I slept in, and grabbed the hoe and went around to the side of the house and found it again and followed it. – Sidebar: I am deathly frightened of snakes! I will cry if you talk to me about one! Once at the Town of Flower Mound, I had to go out in a field and check some cars for an auction and the grass was high and I was so scared that I cried when I asked someone to mow in that area before I could finish my job! – So I have my hoe in my hand and get closer to the snake and it stops. He knows I am there and he blows up on the sides like a cobra! I honestly don’t know why I did not pee on myself right then and there! I must have been a sight with my hoe raised like I was going in for the strike. Then here comes mom.
I turned around in she is in her nighty, that is short and has spaghetti straps, and a pair of my daddy’s ropers! LOL! Again, I honestly don’t know why I did not pee on myself right then and there! And she is carrying a broken garden tool, not a gun!
Well, by this time the snake has slithered up under this really big propane tank, and she would not have been able to shoot at it anyway. She poked around under it into the leaves, but the snake didn’t come back out. So we went back inside and got on the internet to find out what kind of snake it was. I don’t remember what we decided… something about a hog. Anyway, I asked her “why did you bring that broken garden too and not a gun?” She had not been able to find the key to the gun cabinet since daddy died. Needless to say, we had found the key within the next hour. And I did finally get to finish my business!
Good times at the Farm!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Distance and Dependence
Last October, mom and dad moved to the farm. The farm was my grandparents place and really the only constant home I ever knew. We lived in several houses, but the house mom and dad lived in, I had no emotional attachment to at all. The farm, I definitely have emotional feelings here.
So, after 8 years of living around the corner and down 11 houses from mom and dad, I was sad when they moved away. They were not only our family, but our friends, our neighbors, our babysitters, our grocery store. Mark had even said, just a few months before they moved out here, “I don’t know what we would do without your parents here.”
I had to make BIG adjustments in my life. They weren’t bad, but it did mean I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with things more often than I had grown accustomed to. Now, I look back on how I felt when they moved, and it was like I mourned for them. I grieved the loss of that connection. In some strange way though, it was like God was preparing us for this time, for this season. I cannot even imagine still seeing Daddy every day, because I did see him pretty much every day, and losing him. Mom would be at work, but Daddy was ALWAYS there when I needed anything. I cannot even imagine losing him if he were still such a constant in my, in our, lives. I can’t imagine being more devastated, but I know I would be.
And just as I learned to deal with things when they moved, I will learn to deal with Daddy moving to Heaven. And just as I didn’t have to like them moving, but I had to accept it, one day, I know I will accept this, but I know it will never be ok. I don’t have to like it, but I have to accept it.
So, after 8 years of living around the corner and down 11 houses from mom and dad, I was sad when they moved away. They were not only our family, but our friends, our neighbors, our babysitters, our grocery store. Mark had even said, just a few months before they moved out here, “I don’t know what we would do without your parents here.”
I had to make BIG adjustments in my life. They weren’t bad, but it did mean I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with things more often than I had grown accustomed to. Now, I look back on how I felt when they moved, and it was like I mourned for them. I grieved the loss of that connection. In some strange way though, it was like God was preparing us for this time, for this season. I cannot even imagine still seeing Daddy every day, because I did see him pretty much every day, and losing him. Mom would be at work, but Daddy was ALWAYS there when I needed anything. I cannot even imagine losing him if he were still such a constant in my, in our, lives. I can’t imagine being more devastated, but I know I would be.
And just as I learned to deal with things when they moved, I will learn to deal with Daddy moving to Heaven. And just as I didn’t have to like them moving, but I had to accept it, one day, I know I will accept this, but I know it will never be ok. I don’t have to like it, but I have to accept it.
My Amazing Little Men
The kids and I are at my mom’s house right now. I am still looking for healing. Still looking for peace. I can’t even wrap my head around the idea of my dad being one. I still expect to walk to the end of the hall and see him at the computer. It just doesn’t even seem real, except for the fact that I feel broken.
Tonight we were in the dining room, and there are two pictures of mom and dad on a low table. Major was talking to the pictures. I was standing there with Michael and mom and we just watched him for a while. He was saying “paw-paw” pointing at daddy and then “honey” pointing at mom. It was precious.
The boys had stayed the weekend with mom and daddy the weekend before he died. I picked the boys up late Monday afternoon and he died Tuesday morning. Anyway, on that Monday, Major had said “paw-paw” for the first time. Daddy had been waiting on that child to say that for a long time. He was so happy that Major finally said it. And one day, Major is going to be so happy to know that he made Daddy’s day on that day.
Michael also had a sad moment in the dining room. Mom was talking about getting a smaller desk and Michael went to her crying. I was standing right there and of course crying because he was crying. He told her that desk was Poppy’s and that was where they remember him spending a lot of time and that he wanted her to keep it right there. I was so proud of him for speaking up and expressing his feelings. Michael and Mavrick have been real quiet about Poppy’s death. But I can tell they are fragile right now. Their fuses just seem shorter. But they are all three amazing young men! And I know they are going to be a big help to their Honey in the days and years to come.
Tonight we were in the dining room, and there are two pictures of mom and dad on a low table. Major was talking to the pictures. I was standing there with Michael and mom and we just watched him for a while. He was saying “paw-paw” pointing at daddy and then “honey” pointing at mom. It was precious.
The boys had stayed the weekend with mom and daddy the weekend before he died. I picked the boys up late Monday afternoon and he died Tuesday morning. Anyway, on that Monday, Major had said “paw-paw” for the first time. Daddy had been waiting on that child to say that for a long time. He was so happy that Major finally said it. And one day, Major is going to be so happy to know that he made Daddy’s day on that day.
Michael also had a sad moment in the dining room. Mom was talking about getting a smaller desk and Michael went to her crying. I was standing right there and of course crying because he was crying. He told her that desk was Poppy’s and that was where they remember him spending a lot of time and that he wanted her to keep it right there. I was so proud of him for speaking up and expressing his feelings. Michael and Mavrick have been real quiet about Poppy’s death. But I can tell they are fragile right now. Their fuses just seem shorter. But they are all three amazing young men! And I know they are going to be a big help to their Honey in the days and years to come.
Monday, June 21, 2010
A Handkerchief
I have started a journal for the kids of just different little things about Daddy – ok, its for me too. Not my point. The purpose is to help the kids remember, and for the younger ones, get to know, their Poppy and how much he loved them. And boy, did that man love those babies! I am working diligently just to make it about Daddy, taking caution to not put anything in it about how I am feeling. Just little facts about Daddy.
One of the recent things I wrote was about how my dad ALWAYS carried a handkerchief. A hankie in his back pocket and a pocketknife in his front pocket – two things you could count on. He is actually the only man that I have ever known to carry a hankie. Well, today when I was sorting laundry I found one. I have to assume it was Daddy’s. It was probably with something I picked up at the farm and ended up here. But it was nice to see that Daddy still has a hankie handy to wipe my tears. I will definitely keep it with me from now on.
One of the recent things I wrote was about how my dad ALWAYS carried a handkerchief. A hankie in his back pocket and a pocketknife in his front pocket – two things you could count on. He is actually the only man that I have ever known to carry a hankie. Well, today when I was sorting laundry I found one. I have to assume it was Daddy’s. It was probably with something I picked up at the farm and ended up here. But it was nice to see that Daddy still has a hankie handy to wipe my tears. I will definitely keep it with me from now on.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Father's Day
I am looking forward to the day that I can joke and play again. And I know it will come, but today is just not that day.
This was my first Father’s Day without my father. It’s been a rough day, and a very long day. Me and the kids got up and went to our church. Major threw a massive fit and ended up going to service with me. Thankfully, Michael and Mavrick went to their group. About the second song I lost it. I don’t even remember what song it was, but it opened my heart enough to relieve some of the pain that is there.
I think I am physically, emotionally and mentally empty. Done. Bankrupt. But I am having trouble crying , having trouble grieving . Perhaps in part to the fact that I still can believe my current reality. Yesterday I saw one of my neighbors and he said, “I sure am sorry to hear about your dad.” And for a split second I thought “what in the hell are you talking about?” Then like a ton of bricks it hit me.
I am so blessed to have had 39 years with the best dad on earth. You know, even when he was mad at me, it still wasn’t bad. He was so patient and so kind. My heart is just broken. But I thank God for my boys to keep me going. Tonight I sat down in the shower to just cry, and I would probably still be there if it were not time to get Major in bed and for Michael and Mavrick’s showers. Time will not stand still, the world is still turning. And not only am I a grieving daughter, I am the mother of three beautiful boys who need me to. So, we shall go on…
Yellow roses grow in heaven, Lord pick a bunch for me. Place them in my
father's arms and tell him they're from me. Tell him that I love and
miss him. When he turns to smile place a kiss upon his cheek and hold
him for awhile, because remembering him is easy, I do it every day.
There's an ache in my heart that will never go away.
Happy Father's Day! I love you Daddy!
This was my first Father’s Day without my father. It’s been a rough day, and a very long day. Me and the kids got up and went to our church. Major threw a massive fit and ended up going to service with me. Thankfully, Michael and Mavrick went to their group. About the second song I lost it. I don’t even remember what song it was, but it opened my heart enough to relieve some of the pain that is there.
I think I am physically, emotionally and mentally empty. Done. Bankrupt. But I am having trouble crying , having trouble grieving . Perhaps in part to the fact that I still can believe my current reality. Yesterday I saw one of my neighbors and he said, “I sure am sorry to hear about your dad.” And for a split second I thought “what in the hell are you talking about?” Then like a ton of bricks it hit me.
I am so blessed to have had 39 years with the best dad on earth. You know, even when he was mad at me, it still wasn’t bad. He was so patient and so kind. My heart is just broken. But I thank God for my boys to keep me going. Tonight I sat down in the shower to just cry, and I would probably still be there if it were not time to get Major in bed and for Michael and Mavrick’s showers. Time will not stand still, the world is still turning. And not only am I a grieving daughter, I am the mother of three beautiful boys who need me to. So, we shall go on…
Yellow roses grow in heaven, Lord pick a bunch for me. Place them in my
father's arms and tell him they're from me. Tell him that I love and
miss him. When he turns to smile place a kiss upon his cheek and hold
him for awhile, because remembering him is easy, I do it every day.
There's an ache in my heart that will never go away.
Happy Father's Day! I love you Daddy!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Hey! . . . oh, wait.
Today in Wal-Mart I had my first “Hey! There’s Daddy!... oh wait. It’s not.“ moment. It was difficult. I am going to miss that man so much. Tonight mom is spending her first night alone at the farm. I am praying for peace for her. Boy, this whole thing sucks. My heart is so broken. I am scared. What do we do now? How can this even be real? It is so not fair! I was having a conversation with Mark and all of the sudden got that big reality slap in the face and all I could say is “I am not old enough to be having this conversation.”
The really strange thing though, is that I kind of feel like I have lived this all before. Or kind of like I have dreamed it before. It is all very familiar in a way. It makes me wonder if I am trying to make this Pop-Paw’s death again and not dealing with it as my dad’s. Mom said that she has kind of felt for 25 years, since his first heart attack, worried that everyday would be his last. It was like she had lived with the fear of “will today be the day that he dies?” for 25 years. And now she doesn’t have to have that fear anymore.
I was blessed by three phone calls from dear friends today. They all three just called to check on me. I have the most beautiful friends and family. Blessings are all around me. I just have to be still and take them in.
The really strange thing though, is that I kind of feel like I have lived this all before. Or kind of like I have dreamed it before. It is all very familiar in a way. It makes me wonder if I am trying to make this Pop-Paw’s death again and not dealing with it as my dad’s. Mom said that she has kind of felt for 25 years, since his first heart attack, worried that everyday would be his last. It was like she had lived with the fear of “will today be the day that he dies?” for 25 years. And now she doesn’t have to have that fear anymore.
I was blessed by three phone calls from dear friends today. They all three just called to check on me. I have the most beautiful friends and family. Blessings are all around me. I just have to be still and take them in.
A new week
It is Sunday. The start of a new week. I have made it through most of the day without extra drugs. I am having trouble focusing on what I am doing. I start out and walk into a room and then stand there with my hands on my hips thinking “hmmm… what was I doing?” And I am still in great disbelief. The reality that my daddy is gone is yet to sink in.
My goodness, how I love that man. We have been calling him “our voice of reason.” I can rarely recall him being angry. But when he was angry, he would get mad as hell. I can mostly recall the calm, the reason, the peace. I am praying for peace, for calm. I know that the reason is beyond me.
Mom seems to be doing well. Today is her first day at home alone and tonight her first night alone. She is such a strong woman. I went to the grocery store by myself last night and it was all I could do to make it there without crying.
Things will never be back to normal. But as we try to find a new normal I want to slow our lives down a bit. Enjoy the small things more. Live our lives and not have our lives living us. I pray for peace.
My goodness, how I love that man. We have been calling him “our voice of reason.” I can rarely recall him being angry. But when he was angry, he would get mad as hell. I can mostly recall the calm, the reason, the peace. I am praying for peace, for calm. I know that the reason is beyond me.
Mom seems to be doing well. Today is her first day at home alone and tonight her first night alone. She is such a strong woman. I went to the grocery store by myself last night and it was all I could do to make it there without crying.
Things will never be back to normal. But as we try to find a new normal I want to slow our lives down a bit. Enjoy the small things more. Live our lives and not have our lives living us. I pray for peace.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Back and Blue
I am back. But I have sad news.
On Tuesday, June 8, 2010, my sweet Daddy went to be with the Lord. It was a sudden loss, and incredibly shocking. Apparently he had another heart attack and didn’t make it through.
We are all very shocked. Mom is holding up well. Christy is so strong, and I am heavily medicated. Anyway, blogging has been therapeutic in the past, so you will be hearing from me more often for a while at least. I do ask for your prayers. I am heartbroken and don’t know if I will ever understand why.
The funeral will be on Friday at 10am at North Side Baptist Church in Weatherford.
On Tuesday, June 8, 2010, my sweet Daddy went to be with the Lord. It was a sudden loss, and incredibly shocking. Apparently he had another heart attack and didn’t make it through.
We are all very shocked. Mom is holding up well. Christy is so strong, and I am heavily medicated. Anyway, blogging has been therapeutic in the past, so you will be hearing from me more often for a while at least. I do ask for your prayers. I am heartbroken and don’t know if I will ever understand why.
The funeral will be on Friday at 10am at North Side Baptist Church in Weatherford.
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