Pictures.

Pictures. We have lots of them. You could say I am a picture person. I have some new ones around of Mom and Daddy. Every time one catches my eye, when I see my Daddy, I just cannot believe he is gone. It really is like being hit in the stomach every time. I know you are probably tired of hearing about this by now. But I just cannot believe it. And I don’t know when or how I will be able to.

Some People!

OK, I realize that I am a big ball of irrational thoughts and emotions. But this morning I got an email from a non-voting member of a board I volunteer on. It sent me past being pissed off. She basically was making up excuses for something not being done because she was concerned (yeah, we’ll call it that) about something else not being taken care of, which in reality was being taken care of. Then she asked for something that 1.) I just don’t have, and 2.) has more or less been presented to her in the past.

Come on! I remember the brief period of time that I was not married, had a job but not really a whole lot going on. I would go exercise. I feel like this witch is sitting around thinking of things other people can do for her. Really? Because I have so much more going on that I can’t even function without a list to remind me of everything I need to do.

Needless to say, I responded to her email with a big fat “sorry, you are not getting that. I don’t have it and don’t have time to go get it.” Then I closed with “BTW – I don’t have time to play with you and I am certainly not ready to play nice.” This woman has rubbed me wrong from the beginning. I pray that she gets the message! I was rude today, but I can get ugly if I need to.

A Few Crazy Months

The last few months have been difficult on me, to put it lightly. It seems that life has been a roller coaster since mid-March. It was about that time that I decided that Homeschooling the boys just wasn’t for me. I am just not structured enough to make everyone happy. Even I am not organized enough. I love the freedom part, and I love spending all this time with my sweet boys. And it was a fantastic year that I would not trade. But overall, our family was not benefitting like we should have been. I guess it is true that “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t no body happy.” So we spent the rest of the school year making sure the boys knew all the information on the TAKS Test that the public schools give their students so they would be able to go to the school by us.

While all of this was going on Mark and I hit a rough spot. We both had kind of lost ourselves and each other in everyday life. It has be a difficult few months for us, but I feel like we are on our way back to reconnecting and getting back to good. But we had a period of time that things here were just too tense and that tension was getting to the kids. So, right after Mavrick’s birthday, me and the boys went to visit my sister-in-laws in Austin. We only planed to be there a few days, but ended up being gone for 10 days. We came home on a Thursday, and the following Tuesday, Daddy died.

I feel like I have just been in neutral since then. It didn’t all happen at once, but if feels like it. I am just waiting for the next bomb to go off. Trying to lay low and wait. Today, it has really become evident to me that that is what I am doing. Keeping myself busy and trying to stay below the radar so noting else bad will happen. This would probably be a good time to start therapy.

Not Ready to Deal

So I have been pretty open about the fact that I am not dealing with my dad’s death.

It’s not that I am not dealing WELL with it… I am just not dealing with it. It’s not that I am not accepting it … I am just not dealing with it. I find that I am keeping myself so busy trying not to think about it that there are days that I get up in the morning and don’t sit down until dinner. I am running from the facts. And I don’t know that it is so much that I don’t want to, as much as I can’t. I just can’t. I have to realize every day that he is gone. That I won’t see him again. And I just can’t wrap my head around that. It is like this thing is so big that I can’t even get a grasp on the reality of it.

At the funeral there was supposed to be a video. Mark stayed up till 3 am the night before the funeral working on it. We sent it to the church, and because the service was in their smaller, and older sanctuary, they didn’t have the equipment to run it. So, Buddy, my sisters Brother-in-law, took it home and worked on it and made us all DVD’s. I got it at least a month ago and have not been able to watch it yet. I think that is part of me not wanting to accept the reality. I feel like watching it might make it real. And I am just not ready for it to be real.

I read an article a few days ago about grief that said it sometimes help to talk to the person you have lost. Just because their body is not present does not mean that they are not still with us. So, while I was cleaning the house the other day, I tried it. I talked a while with Daddy. That night, he was in my dreams. It was the first time I had dreamed about him since he died. He walked into the room carrying Isabella on one hip and Major on the other hip. He looked wonderful and he lit up the room. But as quickly as the joy came, it passed, because somehow in my dream I knew he was gone and I woke up.

Deep Thoughts with Michelle

Has anyone ever said something to you that kind of makes your rethink your whole life… Kind of makes you wonder who you are and who you were?

I have recently been reminded of one of the boys I “saw” in High School, and how I thought I was better than him and stopped seeing him for that reason. Well and that I was afraid of how my group of “friends” would react if they knew. And that I wanted to date another guy who’s parents had money. This guy lived with his mom in a little house on a street of little houses. He ran in a rougher group than I did. On the surface, he just wasn’t one of us, and I thought that being with him would somehow separate me from the group I hung out with.

I really liked him. But, I know it is true. I remember thinking it. I remember that it didn’t feel good to make that decision. I remember the feeling of wanting to be myself, but deciding to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I didn’t even have enough guts to tell him myself. I had one of his friends tell him.

It makes me wonder what else I have missed in life by being who I thought the rest of the world wanted me to be. Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe that I was created to be with Mark, and the mother of Michael, Mavrick and Major. But what have I cheated myself out of? What have I cheated us out of? Maybe better jobs, a nicer home, nicer cars… bigger, better, nicer? Just by working to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. It makes me wonder who I am? Do I really even know? Am I still living my life like that?