How did we get here?

Tomorrow I am putting Michael and Mavrick on a plane to Austin. They went for the first time summer before last. They are so excited! I think they have every alarm clock set in the house so nobody will sleep too late. Mavrick keeps saying "I can't believe it's tomorrow."

I keep thinking, where has the time gone? Michael will be 12 in October, which will make him old enough to fly by himself. (Right now they fly as unaccompanied minors) Mavrick just turned 10. They both seem so grown up at times. And I just keep asking myself "how did we get here?"

I was telling Mark earlier this week that it was just yesterday that Michael was a little bitty baby. So small that he was scary. His first Christmas was when we met Marla for the first time. We were in a two bedroom apartment, and Marla was very allergic to dogs, so she sat on the porch snuggling with little bitty Michael all wrapped up in blankets. I bet this trip to Austin is the time he is finally taller than Marla. Where has the time gone?

I am so proud of the young men they are becoming. I hope I am teaching them everything they need to know. I hope my example is good enough. I wish I could slow time down, just a little. I hope I am enjoying them enough! I can't wait to see who they grow up to be. Oh, so much, so much, I wish for them true love, true friendships, joy, and peace. Lots of peace.

Mark and I celebrate 18 years of being married next month. In February, we will have been together for 20 years! That is half my life! But it has gone so fast! We have come a long way from a little one bedroom apartment on the lake in Garland. But, WOW! that still seems like yesterday. When I think about where we've been, what we have gone through, and that we are still here, it is sometimes hard to believe that we made it this far. We are so blessed.

Where do I fit in?

Living in a house full of boys is usually fun. They are messy. They fight, argue and yell. They are smelly sometimes, and they are gross sometimes. But for the most part it is fun.

But lately, it has become for difficult. And I think it is due to Mark and my difference in upbringing. I was brought up in an atmosphere where you talked to each other, truthfully. We could trust each other. And we loved each other enough to be honest and let each other become people that we liked and that we wanted to be. Mark was raised in a different atmosphere...and I believe this is my source of irritation.

He feels that there are some things better left unsaid. Ok, I can agree with that. But I also feel like it is vitally important to have open communication and not be afraid to say or tell something that is even just the least bit important in who you are and who you are becoming. I think it is important to share stories of our days together - especially since he misses so much of that time!

Bottom line is that it just really pisses me off that I can't be who I am. I can no longer say what is on my mind, or tell cute stories of what the kids did, because it may embarrass them. I am having a real hard time figuring out where I fit in.