Yesterday and Today

Well, we went to the memorial service for Angela and it was so sweet. It was very “small town” and her sister spoke, then Corley spoke and then a minister who didn’t know her very well. It was difficult and surreal. Like being in a different world or a dream. They had a slide show and showed several pictures of her. She had a beautiful smile. She graduated high school the same year I did, and looking at the pictures of her during her senior year, it struck me that we would have been friends if we had been at the same school. That thought led me to “Wow, I didn’t have enough time with her.”

I sat with mom and cried some, and it felt good to let it go. She just held me and cried too. I know her heart was broken for Lilly, because she has been there. I said to her “I promise I won’t leave you here.” She started crying and said “you came way to close in April.” It was weird to realize that we don’t talk about it. I think it is still way too scary and painful. But I have been there a lot during Angela’s last days. I get into this real dark place thinking of what could have happened. I have to jerk my head out of that place very quickly. My insides are getting upset right now as I type this thinking about it.

Today was tough. I thought about Angela, Andrew and the kids all day. I have a sad heart. I called Mark just to tell him I love him, and told him that I was giving myself until 4:00 pm on Friday to be sad. After that I have to be happy for Angela in her new body, in her new home, with those who have gone before. But that is tomorrow.

Tonight when I was putting Major to bed my mind was everywhere! And twice it hit me, I mean physically hit me that she was gone. Took my breath away! She is gone. My dear, amazing friend is gone. She is not in Oklahoma setting up her new house. She is not just working a lot and I will see her when things settle down. They aren’t on vacation. She is in heaven, and I am not. I will not see her again – until heaven at least. That brings me back to “Wow, I didn’t have enough time with her.”

Tomorrow at 2:00 there is another memorial service for her at our church in Flower Mound. I am taking the boys out of school to go, and Mark is leaving work early. I thought I would be able to take Major, but after yesterday, I know that I can’t handle him. He will stay with mom and dad… I think God for them. My parents are amazing.