Not Ready to Deal

So I have been pretty open about the fact that I am not dealing with my dad’s death.

It’s not that I am not dealing WELL with it… I am just not dealing with it. It’s not that I am not accepting it … I am just not dealing with it. I find that I am keeping myself so busy trying not to think about it that there are days that I get up in the morning and don’t sit down until dinner. I am running from the facts. And I don’t know that it is so much that I don’t want to, as much as I can’t. I just can’t. I have to realize every day that he is gone. That I won’t see him again. And I just can’t wrap my head around that. It is like this thing is so big that I can’t even get a grasp on the reality of it.

At the funeral there was supposed to be a video. Mark stayed up till 3 am the night before the funeral working on it. We sent it to the church, and because the service was in their smaller, and older sanctuary, they didn’t have the equipment to run it. So, Buddy, my sisters Brother-in-law, took it home and worked on it and made us all DVD’s. I got it at least a month ago and have not been able to watch it yet. I think that is part of me not wanting to accept the reality. I feel like watching it might make it real. And I am just not ready for it to be real.

I read an article a few days ago about grief that said it sometimes help to talk to the person you have lost. Just because their body is not present does not mean that they are not still with us. So, while I was cleaning the house the other day, I tried it. I talked a while with Daddy. That night, he was in my dreams. It was the first time I had dreamed about him since he died. He walked into the room carrying Isabella on one hip and Major on the other hip. He looked wonderful and he lit up the room. But as quickly as the joy came, it passed, because somehow in my dream I knew he was gone and I woke up.