I have recently been reminded of one of the boys I “saw” in High School, and how I thought I was better than him and stopped seeing him for that reason. Well and that I was afraid of how my group of “friends” would react if they knew. And that I wanted to date another guy who’s parents had money. This guy lived with his mom in a little house on a street of little houses. He ran in a rougher group than I did. On the surface, he just wasn’t one of us, and I thought that being with him would somehow separate me from the group I hung out with.
I really liked him. But, I know it is true. I remember thinking it. I remember that it didn’t feel good to make that decision. I remember the feeling of wanting to be myself, but deciding to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I didn’t even have enough guts to tell him myself. I had one of his friends tell him.
It makes me wonder what else I have missed in life by being who I thought the rest of the world wanted me to be. Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe that I was created to be with Mark, and the mother of Michael, Mavrick and Major. But what have I cheated myself out of? What have I cheated us out of? Maybe better jobs, a nicer home, nicer cars… bigger, better, nicer? Just by working to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. It makes me wonder who I am? Do I really even know? Am I still living my life like that?
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